As single mothers we are constantly giving to our children. Those extra dollars you tucked away for a dinner out with friends gets spent on a new pair of sneakers for your child. The date you are extremely excited for needs to be cancelled because your child gets sick. Car repairs mean no vacation. Evening classes need to be postponed because of soccer season. The list goes on and on and soon the exhaustion seeps in right alongside the anger, resentment and the single momma blues.
Things happen and running a home solo means it is all up to you. The best way to keep the exhaustion and single momma blues at bay is to build a reserve. Fill the vessel inside of your core with magic, wonder and radical self care.
Each and every day drop gold into your vessel by treating yourself to some luxury. It doesn't have to be expensive or outlandish. Make it simple and fun every single day starting now. Right now.
Here are some of my favorites:
*Sit in the sun for 15 minutes and close your eyes.
*Buy yourself flowers.
*Take a bubble bath.
*Take lunch outside.
*Make a meal just for you.
*Watch a funny movie.
*Take a day off from work.
*Listen to your favorite music.
*Dance Dance Dance.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Being A Single Mom Rocks.
Let me repeat: BEING A SINGLE MOM ROCKS
Here are five reasons why I love being a single mom.
1.I am the CEO of the best business in the world, my family. I do it all. I am in charge and nobody(near my age) questions my decisions.
2. Two nights a month and three weeks a year I get a momma retreat while my children are with their father.
3.I am the sole decider in decorating. My doors are painted bright pink because I wanted to be bold. My laundry room is painted in three different colors because I wanted a Carribean retreat everytime I entered that room. I am thinking of painting a room red just for fun.
4. My family can have a nmeal together everyday with only one adult/working schedule and three kids/sports/social schedules to deal with.
5.When my work day has ended my children get all of me. We are close in a way that is deeper than the ocean.
Trust me. it is a zillion times better for a mom and the kids to go it alone than to cling to a relationship that is toxic to all parties involved.
You CAN do this!
Here are five reasons why I love being a single mom.
1.I am the CEO of the best business in the world, my family. I do it all. I am in charge and nobody(near my age) questions my decisions.
2. Two nights a month and three weeks a year I get a momma retreat while my children are with their father.
3.I am the sole decider in decorating. My doors are painted bright pink because I wanted to be bold. My laundry room is painted in three different colors because I wanted a Carribean retreat everytime I entered that room. I am thinking of painting a room red just for fun.
4. My family can have a nmeal together everyday with only one adult/working schedule and three kids/sports/social schedules to deal with.
5.When my work day has ended my children get all of me. We are close in a way that is deeper than the ocean.
Trust me. it is a zillion times better for a mom and the kids to go it alone than to cling to a relationship that is toxic to all parties involved.
You CAN do this!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Consistency and Choices
Divorce shatters a child's sense of safety. During and after the divorce it is vitally important to keep routines and and lifestyle the same as long as humanly possible. Make a commitment to live in the same house and maintain the same working or at home status as your children adjust to the divorce.
As a newly single parent it is easy to let things slide beacause you are grieving and exhausted. However such choices add to your child's insecuritites. Keep daily routines of meals, activities and bedtimes the same. Your household rules should remain consistent. Structure helps make both children and adults feel more secure in painful situations.
Regardless of the circumstances, your children didn't choose this divorce and thus often feel helpless and out of control. Look for opportunities where their input can positively impact the family. Allowing them to choose dinner, which movie to rent or what outfit to wear will help strenghten their personal power.
Most importantly trust you will all be fine and love them and yourself unconditionally.
As a newly single parent it is easy to let things slide beacause you are grieving and exhausted. However such choices add to your child's insecuritites. Keep daily routines of meals, activities and bedtimes the same. Your household rules should remain consistent. Structure helps make both children and adults feel more secure in painful situations.
Regardless of the circumstances, your children didn't choose this divorce and thus often feel helpless and out of control. Look for opportunities where their input can positively impact the family. Allowing them to choose dinner, which movie to rent or what outfit to wear will help strenghten their personal power.
Most importantly trust you will all be fine and love them and yourself unconditionally.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Airplane Theory
Remember children do not need to live in the same household with both parents to happy and well adjusted. However they do need to have at least one healthy and happy parent who believes their child is the absolute best.
Commit to be that person for your child by first taking care of yourself.
This is the airline theory: Put your oxygen mask on first so you won't pass out while trying to help your child.
Seek professional help in a coach or therapist. Pump yourself up with with good nutrition, exercise, meditation, laughter, play and a network of supportive friends.
Your personal happiness and health is the mirror of your child's well-being.
Blessings,
Virginia
Commit to be that person for your child by first taking care of yourself.
This is the airline theory: Put your oxygen mask on first so you won't pass out while trying to help your child.
Seek professional help in a coach or therapist. Pump yourself up with with good nutrition, exercise, meditation, laughter, play and a network of supportive friends.
Your personal happiness and health is the mirror of your child's well-being.
Blessings,
Virginia
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Safe Vulnerabilty
As the youngest of ten, the baby, my siblings were constantly trying to do things for me. My repeated response was always a vehement,"I can do it myself!'
Thirty something years later, a newly single mom, I began repeating the same words with a vengeance. Initially the words were a mask of courage that served me well. As time went on, however, my headstrong determination to do everything all by myself started to work against me. Small household mishaps brought me to tears screaming to the universe, "I can't do this all by myself!"
Such outbursts lead to the natural conclusion,"Then don't. Just ask for help."
Ask for help? Me, Ms. Super, I Can Do it Myself, Single Momma ask for help? Not happening!
In being CEO of my family, I lost my ability to be the least bit vulnerable. Showing any sign of vulnerability frightened me. My fear was that the smallest bit of letting go would have the entire house of cards fall down. Yet the truth remained, my mantra, "I can do it by myself" was starting to hurt me and thus my children.
Before I could actually ask for help I had to remember what vulnerability felt like. I had to find places and times where I was able to let my 24/7 parenting guard down and relax in that space of not being and doing everything. Once I found it and made it a practice to be there whenever I could, I slowly began asking others to help me. Each time it gets easier and easier. And each time I am humbled by the generosity of the human spirit.
Where is your place of safe vulnerability? For some it is with their parents, or when their children go with their father, or when a friend comes to visit.
For me, to this day, whenever I am in the passenger's seat of a car I melt a bit and a few layers of the super do it all momma peel away.
Thirty something years later, a newly single mom, I began repeating the same words with a vengeance. Initially the words were a mask of courage that served me well. As time went on, however, my headstrong determination to do everything all by myself started to work against me. Small household mishaps brought me to tears screaming to the universe, "I can't do this all by myself!"
Such outbursts lead to the natural conclusion,"Then don't. Just ask for help."
Ask for help? Me, Ms. Super, I Can Do it Myself, Single Momma ask for help? Not happening!
In being CEO of my family, I lost my ability to be the least bit vulnerable. Showing any sign of vulnerability frightened me. My fear was that the smallest bit of letting go would have the entire house of cards fall down. Yet the truth remained, my mantra, "I can do it by myself" was starting to hurt me and thus my children.
Before I could actually ask for help I had to remember what vulnerability felt like. I had to find places and times where I was able to let my 24/7 parenting guard down and relax in that space of not being and doing everything. Once I found it and made it a practice to be there whenever I could, I slowly began asking others to help me. Each time it gets easier and easier. And each time I am humbled by the generosity of the human spirit.
Where is your place of safe vulnerability? For some it is with their parents, or when their children go with their father, or when a friend comes to visit.
For me, to this day, whenever I am in the passenger's seat of a car I melt a bit and a few layers of the super do it all momma peel away.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Change Your Mind
The image of a single mother, even in this day and age, is usually laced with negativity. At the start of my journey as a single mother, I was riddled with fear that stemmed from the many statistics on the plight of single mothers and their children. My fear became a brick wall looming in front of me that was impossible to go through. The more I thought of my 'broken' family, permanently scarring my children, the threat 0f poverty,and my vulnerablity the wall got thicker and thicker.
So I changed my mind. Changing my thoughts brick by brick knocked the wall down.
*We weren't broken. We were building something new and stronger.
*We weren't poor. I was creatively handling finances.
*My children weren't scarred. They were happy and well adjusted.
*I wasn't weak and vulnerable. I was a pioneer woman courageously taking my family across unchartered terrain.
Make your thoughts about single motherhood positive. In the words of Wayne Dyer, "Change Your Thoughts. Change Your Life"
So I changed my mind. Changing my thoughts brick by brick knocked the wall down.
*We weren't broken. We were building something new and stronger.
*We weren't poor. I was creatively handling finances.
*My children weren't scarred. They were happy and well adjusted.
*I wasn't weak and vulnerable. I was a pioneer woman courageously taking my family across unchartered terrain.
Make your thoughts about single motherhood positive. In the words of Wayne Dyer, "Change Your Thoughts. Change Your Life"
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What Should I Do?
This is a story I wrote for Chicken soup for the Soul:Divorce and Recovery. I think it is the perfect way to start this blog. Enjoy
Blessings,
Virginia
As I lost my moorings during the divorce process, I desperately asked everyone. "What should I do?"
The divorce was inevitable and now I had the task of figuring out where I was going to live and how I was going to support three children.
The advice that I heard over and over again was,"Find a full time job and sell the marital home." It sounded like the wisest thing I could do. Plenty of single mothers work full time--lots of children thrive in daycare. So I put my house on the market. When I was married I had chosen to be a stay at home mom and I loved the hours spent homeschooling and caring for my three children. Now I was faced with updating my resume and beginning a job search. It all seemed so simply actually and made perfectly sound sense to everybody.
It was what I thought every single mom had to do--there was no other option.
I was making tremendous process. I had an offer on the house, although I had no idea where I was going to move. I was one of two top candidates for a full time position. And, although my three year older sobbed uncontrollably every time I left his presence, I still barreled forward, determined to do what I thought I should do.
I was asked to come in for a third interview for the job. I was confident that during this interview I would be hired and that this meeting was more of a formality. But when I walked into the office I received a very cool welcome. I was then told that I was two hours late for the interview. Although my calendar said that the interview was to be at 3:00, the receptionist's calendar said it had been scheduled for 1:00. I didn't get the job. Then to top off my day, when I got home my realtor called to tell me that the potential buyers had lowered their bid due to the home inspection. The new offer was too low for me to accept.
That night after the children went to sleep, I sobbed. I felt like a failure, everything inside hurt and I simply wanted my mother. I wanted her gentle hand to rub my forehead and mostly I wanted her never-failing faith.
My mother had Alzheimer's disease. On the Saturdays my children were with their father, I would go take care of my mother. Although she no longer recognized me and didn't really speak to me, on these days I would bathe her, change her, and help her eat. Most of the time I felt grateful for being able to care for her. Yet sometimes it felt unreal-even cruel-to be living a life where I would have to lose both my marriage and my mother in the same breath.
On this particular Saturday, I was merely overcome with sadness and fear. After I got her dressed and was brushing her hair, I began to cry and talk to her as I had done before she had Alzheimer's.
"What am I going to do Mom? How am I going to support my three children? I am so scared." I looked at her with tears streaming down my face.
And then I saw something shift in her eyes. As clear as day she said,"Virginia dear, you don't have to do anything. Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. Leave the rest to God." She softly rubbed my forehead and smiled at me--then her eyes went blank again.
I received a miracle that day. My life as hard as it appeared changed. I decided to become the single mom that I wanted to be--not what I thought others expected of me. And anytime it feels like too much--I do as my mother told me.
I take care of myself. I take care of my children. I leave the rest ot God.
He hasn't let me down yet.
Blessings,
Virginia
As I lost my moorings during the divorce process, I desperately asked everyone. "What should I do?"
The divorce was inevitable and now I had the task of figuring out where I was going to live and how I was going to support three children.
The advice that I heard over and over again was,"Find a full time job and sell the marital home." It sounded like the wisest thing I could do. Plenty of single mothers work full time--lots of children thrive in daycare. So I put my house on the market. When I was married I had chosen to be a stay at home mom and I loved the hours spent homeschooling and caring for my three children. Now I was faced with updating my resume and beginning a job search. It all seemed so simply actually and made perfectly sound sense to everybody.
It was what I thought every single mom had to do--there was no other option.
I was making tremendous process. I had an offer on the house, although I had no idea where I was going to move. I was one of two top candidates for a full time position. And, although my three year older sobbed uncontrollably every time I left his presence, I still barreled forward, determined to do what I thought I should do.
I was asked to come in for a third interview for the job. I was confident that during this interview I would be hired and that this meeting was more of a formality. But when I walked into the office I received a very cool welcome. I was then told that I was two hours late for the interview. Although my calendar said that the interview was to be at 3:00, the receptionist's calendar said it had been scheduled for 1:00. I didn't get the job. Then to top off my day, when I got home my realtor called to tell me that the potential buyers had lowered their bid due to the home inspection. The new offer was too low for me to accept.
That night after the children went to sleep, I sobbed. I felt like a failure, everything inside hurt and I simply wanted my mother. I wanted her gentle hand to rub my forehead and mostly I wanted her never-failing faith.
My mother had Alzheimer's disease. On the Saturdays my children were with their father, I would go take care of my mother. Although she no longer recognized me and didn't really speak to me, on these days I would bathe her, change her, and help her eat. Most of the time I felt grateful for being able to care for her. Yet sometimes it felt unreal-even cruel-to be living a life where I would have to lose both my marriage and my mother in the same breath.
On this particular Saturday, I was merely overcome with sadness and fear. After I got her dressed and was brushing her hair, I began to cry and talk to her as I had done before she had Alzheimer's.
"What am I going to do Mom? How am I going to support my three children? I am so scared." I looked at her with tears streaming down my face.
And then I saw something shift in her eyes. As clear as day she said,"Virginia dear, you don't have to do anything. Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. Leave the rest to God." She softly rubbed my forehead and smiled at me--then her eyes went blank again.
I received a miracle that day. My life as hard as it appeared changed. I decided to become the single mom that I wanted to be--not what I thought others expected of me. And anytime it feels like too much--I do as my mother told me.
I take care of myself. I take care of my children. I leave the rest ot God.
He hasn't let me down yet.
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