Safe Vulnerabilty

As the youngest of ten, the baby, my siblings were constantly trying to do things for me. My repeated response was always a vehement,"I can do it myself!'

Thirty something years later, a newly single mom, I began repeating the same words with a vengeance. Initially the words were a mask of courage that served me well. As time went on, however, my headstrong determination to do everything all by myself started to work against me. Small household mishaps brought me to tears screaming to the universe, "I can't do this all by myself!"

Such outbursts lead to the natural conclusion,"Then don't. Just ask for help."

Ask for help? Me, Ms. Super, I Can Do it Myself, Single Momma ask for help? Not happening!

In being CEO of my family, I lost my ability to be the least bit vulnerable. Showing any sign of vulnerability frightened me. My fear was that the smallest bit of letting go would have the entire house of cards fall down. Yet the truth remained, my mantra, "I can do it by myself" was starting to hurt me and thus my children.

Before I could actually ask for help I had to remember what vulnerability felt like. I had to find places and times where I was able to let my 24/7 parenting guard down and relax in that space of not being and doing everything. Once I found it and made it a practice to be there whenever I could, I slowly began asking others to help me. Each time it gets easier and easier. And each time I am humbled by the generosity of the human spirit.

Where is your place of safe vulnerability? For some it is with their parents, or when their children go with their father, or when a friend comes to visit.

For me, to this day, whenever I am in the passenger's seat of a car I melt a bit and a few layers of the super do it all momma peel away.